nearly finished first portrait.

if you’re so scared of death, why do you eat it.

i was waiting for that,
you’re missing out.
you’re missing out.

now i’m starting again.
and it’s about.
it’s all about you.

i can’t make you need me.
i can only make things worst.

you’re beyond me.

how it’s destroys me, but i’m not sure i want to allow myself to be ok without you around.

self harm doesn’t quite cut it.

oh no the wooden building where i wish to work.

oh no the traffic jam.

am i relevant anymore.
it’s just boring.

it’s just stupid.

rid me of my bad dreams.

or not.

(the pains of being pure at heart - heart in your heartbreak)

the humour drip drips away.
if there was choice i wouldn’t stay.

let me tell you about my influences.

i am influenced by those who are both different and good, different can be good but it’s not good enough on its own. and also those who maintain their originality. change can be original, but original shouldn’t change. adapting is good.

adapting is life.

and i tell my wife i never saw nothing in her.

backlash and heat rash, burn burn,
talk trash.

talk to yourself, with a house full of clothes, and a heart on your shelf.
we all think you should cover up.

and i will wait.

i crave the moment, i hate that it could pass without real preparation. i hate that it could never pass at all.

i need to write it down, for you to read.
although it may never be understood.

it’s not different, nor is it good.

but every single guy.
no, every single minute, that you think i’m ok, that i’m coping, that the whole situation is fine, you’re half right.
every single second, that i act the same, react the same, appear normally insane, you’re half right.

do you even ask these questions.

come on and ask these questions.

cause i’m only half a person.

i am ok, because i never want you to think i’m not. and if you think i’m not then i’ll reassure you that i’m ok. because i never want you to think i’m not.

your happiness shall never be in jeopardy. well, not because of me.

and although i’m certain i won’t be happy for a long time. it not as bad as what you’re going though.

who knew.
who knows.
my mind.
it slows.
my heart.
it slows.
my experience,
grows, like a forest, like a lonely tree.

which is more likely to be torn down.

youth is for good times.

i’ll wait till summer is gone.

(beth jeans houghton & the hooves of destiny - liliputt)

like an animal.

you were the perfect colour combination.

and i just gaze at the side of your face.

determination counts for nothing, except a large number you wish to reach.
so keep your effort and advice and the sweet way that you preach.

cause the bones that snap and stick out of skin, reflect the true determined spirit for us to win win win.

we should all watch videos of executions, i hate the way he was beheaded, but the slow agony gave me motivation for yesterday.

i can’t write for him, it’s not my style.

all the while i’m working for a future i don’t know.

i need the reassurance and never to let go.

but that’s not what my face says.

viral, spiral. no control.

old films are crap.

except for the good ones.

you, make me want to do things.
and your the only person i was happy doing nothing with.

but, it’s doesn’t matter, says the fingers on the keys, it’s ok, says the person on his knees.

feminism. how stupid.

how unclear.

nuclear power. new.

gets out of shape. hate shape.

anticipate, the enevitable, impossible, and wrong.

contemplate, the tranquile state, still, and gone.

girl, i don’t know.

(boy & bear - fall at your feet)

things work out.
and most of the time they don’t.

but it goes without saying.

today shall always be good.
and my top lip is so cracked.

stop asking me why the stitch smells of smoke. i’ll snitch on you, yeah, right.
if you say so.

this time i’m glad i didn’t go.

anyway, he said he’d die on stage and he didn’t and that must have killed him.

inside, i’m just thinking about sex. and horror. and theories.

listen to this, would it be more humane to kill ninety nine people or a hundred. if i was the survivor i’d not be able to live, but maybe if someone else survived they’d live a life worth a hundred, so, would it be more humane to kill more.

tell me. i really want to know.

my book is bulging.
my music player is full.
my nights are cold.
my life is duller, than the sun, obviously.

two. there are two.
i’ve decided i need you cause next year was always going to break me.

inevitable. unstable.

he sounded stupid in the most intelligent way.

i’m able,
to say,
it so much nicer.

the routine is in my head.

the chances are in, there not in my hands.

stupid hands.

but, play the guitar, shout, loud, it’s so cool.

stupid dents in my fingers.

that will do.

it’s all for you.

(ben christophers - good day for the hopeless)

tell me what i want to see,
you and me in the park by the tree.
so damn, lazily free.

tell me where i want to be,
hopelessly drowning in the deep sea.
of love, and sandy feet.

tell me who i have become.

wait.

i shall recall the summer days i keep fondly.

laying on hot grass with loud music i didn’t like and a friend i no longer see, a week or two after the saddest day of the year.

chucking my bike over a fence.
it wasn’t tense, it was junk anyway.
my friend i also don’t see anymore. that day was cold and i shared my food. this was during a lonely phase.

i just remember rubbish, but it’s the best i have. or perhaps i forget the best things as i use them to make my dreams.
yeah right, as if.

i see no reason why we shouldn’t kill the dreamers, being awake only prevents their dreams, an eternal sleep seems to be a fair cure.

you sure, this is what you want.

i want this to not be the saddest summer ever.

cause all the other songs were written for me, and i can’t cope.

i hope, i plead with the process of hope.
just, last.

later, i see mistakes like any adult.
and i’m trying to do something about it.

but i shouldn’t.

but i.

i.

is it really the most important letter.

i send to you.
there i go again.
first.

i put my tissue shoulders on,
turned my gps off cause i know where to go.
but to no avail.

a bitter tale, that worked out, i guess.

i, have always said the right things, and everyone’s happy, but it’s when i try and prove my worth, i mess it up.

i’m sorry but things are ok,
at least that’s what’s implied.

i nearly died. but i’m far from falling.

i’m so glad it was you who was calling.

i’m just glad, you.

(willy moon - i wanna be your man)

to never say how i really feel, in case somebody else felt differently.

how stupid.

how, will i feel when i’m forty.

i’m going to think about when i was younger, and the strongest memories are going to be that of riding my bike to different degrees of sadness.

but i’m watching things now.

and i want to make this day better.

yes i do.

(the irrepressibles - in this shirt)

but i still fit right in.

in the awkwardest manner.

plan to take you away.
breaking chains with my hammer.

oh, it’s all loose now.

how do you hang on, girl.
boy, is that all there is.

my guts are caught in a twirl, a cross between sick and elated.

a cross in the ground and hey, we’re all related.

a week later i’m looking on, or back, thinking, a week ago i had no idea.

it’s a cycle, refer. very good isn’t he.

i’m so hungry, but i want to be happy.
i’m want to be sick, but i’m so happy.

asking what i’m doing.

border.

i want to disintegrate.
i just want to have no problems.

no problems.

stupid.

nobody’s helpless.
nobody will ever be you.

i’m not myself.

so die.

wooden love.

trees die.

friends die.

animals die.
insignificate lovers die.

you will die.

we will cry.

i will lie along the board.
uninsured, plans are flawed.

saving grace till you are bored.

i will do my best.

(those darlins - be your bro)

surprising loved ones with my carelessness.
but is anyone surprised at all.
shocking myself with my plans.
but it really feels so normal.

what am i doing.
what am i saying.

i thought it would all come together.
all i really wanted to do was make myself sound clever.

i’m just busy, forever scheming.

all the friends have started screaming.

and i know i have bad ears.

whatever, i’m being encouraged to take up this sick and degrading role.
and i’m forever believing, i need that, to take control.

all your idols are worse that this.

but someone said that it’s ok.

all your dreams are dragging you down.

but someone said that it’s fine.

i’m taking consequences for my actions but i can’t accept they’re mine.

i’m looking at a story i can sell.

bad art is for bad people.

you get what you deserve, so how come you’re so fat.
i’m lip reading every word working out who first said that.

cause i’m taking things far too seriously,
and nobody thinks i mean it.

irrational.

but i just want to talk to you.
and see that you’re alright.
and never worry again.
and hold on tight.

and regret every test.

and write it all down.

and remember how we feel.

when we first got let down.

cause i know i am wrong.

but you don’t know why.

i could say anything.
nobody should comply.

i just want to ride to your house.
and breath.

why did i do that.

(tall ships - books)

but i’m stupid and left with feelings which make me feel not only less intelligent but doubtful.

wait. stop. no.

i am a guy with a first class stamp, pen, some paper, and a faulty lamp.

surely i can change the world.
yeah. that’s original.

wonder how this sounds in your head.

wonder how every word i’ve ever said sounded.

wonder how lucky i am to still be part of people’s days.

says the unlucky guy.

my pen won’t run dry, i’ll cry and you’ll cry, and the paper is dry like the teeth from your gums, my thumbs are cut, i can’t feel the foot which i say i stand upon, am i one, wrong, long gone, into meanings i don’t care for, words i never understood, i’m doing good right. right good. oh i seek you’re approval, i am thirsty for reassurance like a criminals child. baby go wild for the forbidden fruit. shoot shoot shoot shoot. nah, scrap that.

i’m struggling to sound civilised.

i know.

say you didn’t expect disappointment.

and i’ll never feel,
anything but clever.

woe, empty.

i will make it better.

(the school - never thought i’d see the day)

creating performances just for you.
humorous without a clue.
just like a film,
except i actually love you.

so i’ll lie around,
and my eyes may get sore.
and i’m close to doing nothing,
but i’m far from being bored.
get more.

than you deserve, i heard that things no longer matter.

i’m talking to the old folk,
having a little natter.

but it’s important.
out the ordinary.
very necessary.
don’t you think.

no you don’t.

people like you.

but you, why, i’d steal their mindless happiness if i could.
i’m not sure it would do you good.
but it would serve you better than today ever could.

i’ve no words of value.
i’m off to research.
my morals are in bed.
my heart lost in church.

it’s a perfect world.

but it’s not good enough.

(splashh - all i wanna do)

cause fiction only burns.

anyway. i’m not doing the stupid riddle rhyming talk right now.
and you may be thinking how, i mean why, i mean, that’s unusual.

so as i was saying, i’m exploring the theme of shock for my ode art based activities, and an aspect of shock is the unknown, so asking people i know really well wouldn’t work, asking complete strangers would result in me crying over how foolish and uncultured the people around me are, so a safe bet would be to ask you! yes you, let’s just say if you’re reading this, please please don’t go.

not like i say that everyday.

please, just respond to these questions or statements how you feel appropriate and i will be hopelessly grateful.

so yes, shock.

when someone you know says something you disagree with, are you ever shocked by their stupidity or shocked by how distant you are to them?

the repetition of a statement; for example a homophobic, sexist or racist comment, decreases in intensity because of the meaning the speaker puts into it after time, or the acceptance you have towards people’s need for attention?

the only reason i don’t for example; swear regularly, self harm or commit suicide, is because the security of having the potential to shock people into listening to me is enough to keep me silent. i was considering doing various acts of mutilation to myself because i can detach my mind from almost any situation, in this case just for the sake of art, but although i think it could be considered shocking, i don’t think those acts could really carry the message or reflect the intelligence of the message in a way that satisfies me, what do you think?

i just want to talk about art.
if you have any questions.
please ask.

please feel free to impress me with your opinions. or just insult me, cause that would be shocking. thanks for reading this far too. cause i know you have.

you know, thanks.

(default collective - acton is asleep)

i’m not sure if it’s a performance.
a practice. a test for yourself.

and if you’re sleeping all the time,
putting motivation on the shelf.

i don’t know.
i don’t want now to pass you by.
don’t want them to rule your life.
so i’m asking why.

is it important.
it is important.

denying me,
of your company.
cause you think it would be easier,
for me.

but it won’t.
i understand the arrangements, but that’s tomorrow not today. what are we meant to say.

whatever we want.

i want you to be happy.
i want to fill you with laugher.
pushing commitment away,
with happily ever after.

so, let’s sleep.

and ask if anybody means exactly what they say.

i once asked my mother if i was gay.

anyway.

any time.

i’m stuttering and stalling.
you’re casually falling.

you have grace. you have me.

elegance is the key.

you could have a hold on me.
under lock or she knows what else.

it’s what i’m for.

just give me a break,
take my word, why would we fall for each other, if you have to pretend i’m your brother. but not me, not this.

the taste of your kiss, you knew you’d have this affect on me. but i made my decision. i’m hurt that you think i can’t take the pain.

i am the same. says the future.
and he’s right.

i think we should make things better for now. if there’s nothing to lose then why stress about how. i get what you’re saying.

i would never feel this way about someone who didn’t speak so much sense. you are clever, i am all too aware. but by caring for me, you’re creating a tear..

that needn’t be there.

i should be there.

do you realise?

cause i bet you think i’ve not thought it through. but i’ve thought about it nearly as much as i’ve thought about you.

mew mew mew mew mew mew mew mew.

and when moonlight slashes at my bedside, the covers offer a darkness where i can hide. but they lack the warmth of your soft side.

i’d know.

(film school - when i’m yours)

the speed may increase, but never fold, never give in.

hey you, in the tight slick clothing, i’m loathing the layers, my prayers shall be answered. in an-other dream. it’s true. hey you. dreams are all false. i’m proving them wrong. betrayers and beholders. i’m older so hate me. for reasons you hold back.

it’s back.

and you stand in the mirror.
in front of the mirror.
no, i was fine before.

and you cry in the mirror.
on the mirror.
i can’t trust what i saw because i saw nothing. like any male would.

i thrust ideas in your head.
are the hands in your pockets now messing with my head.
or are they just in my pockets.
messing with my head.

teeth like silver.
lips like heaven.
golden light and deep breaths given.

yeah yeah, given to you.

given everything to you.
but it was really nothing.

and what does that say.

if in doubt,
get out.
run away.

it’s the way i’ve always worked,
with the sand on my heels,
dragged away from the deals i most wanted to make.

i take my chances to the bank and save them, from you.

baby i love, oh, what should i wear.
i’m gonna impress with a truth or dare.

my jeans were too skinny to wear underwear.
think i care, you think correctly.
i know the eyes scan to dissect me.

there’s no method.

go.

i shall slide down and make your heart race,
inbetween sonnets i maintain a pace.

but it’s just a students way of knowing.

take it into the colourful corner, near the shade.

i’m afraid i’m here again.

tell me once again.

(craft spells - scandinavian crush)

i meant, saint, over there, move on without care. cause there is surely goodness.

everywhere.

woah, did i look a little panicked,
well it was a little scare.

for the children with a future.
for the page without a tear.

don’t give me those sob stories.
i’m falling down the stairs.
i thought you said you’d move along,
without your case of cares.

pace, yourself. myself.

i’m the learner here.
they said education would escape through my, fears.

close your mouth.
close your eyes.
cover your ears,
it appears, but would you be aware.

i scarcely remember the last memories.

it’s wild. like the movies. multiple camera angles. ah, cheap tricks.
expensive, kicks. are the shoes all wearing out.

the thinner the distance.
the more there is to shout about.

but it’s private.
that’s why you’re here, right.
sit down in the dark, and pull up tight.
to the instinct that you owe.

own, all alone.
all together on the phone.
begging.

it’s just a drone that we never want to face.

i want to face your face all the time. such a nice nice face.

the seriousness increases with age.
and the constant reminder of my age, really shows my maturity.

yes, it doesn’t.

so, same time next never.
i’ll get my hopes up if you’re feeling clever.
you’re feeling me, oh no wait and see.

just how stupid i can be.

picture me. with tablets blocking my airways. i says, nothing. i’m, dying. paralysed i realised, it was all the fun we had.

i’m glad.

and i’m sorry for the chemicals.

but i’m changing.

(to kill a king - fictional state)